MEET THE PARENTS

It’s the afternoon, somewhere around five-ish, six-ish if you’re really unlucky. Right at bloody dinnertime!

But it can’t be helped. This has to be done.

So, here we are parking along Melrose Drive, Tullamarine. At least I think it’s a park. I can’t see any street signs. We should be okay. Yeah … yeah, we’re okay. Now we’re walking down the street and taking a turn at the gates, strolling down that unassuming strip of bitumen that leads towards the big ol’ red and black hangar. And no matter how much those here tonight might not want to be, it’s time again for the parents of the players of the Essendon Football Club to hear how their sons have been doing. Once again, it’s Parent/Teacher Interview time!

Or perhaps more aptly put … Parent/Supporter Interviews!

So, who shall we see first?

THE MERRETTS

SUPPORTERS: It’s lovely to see you again, I mean, it looked like we wouldn’t at our last catch-up. We understand your son was very eager to transfer to that much nicer, shinier, successful school across town, but we’re very happy he stayed.

He’s seemed a little disinterested at times and we’ve been a little concerned with his lady-friend’s social media activity … but we can let that slide. We can let a lot slide – heaps even! As long as your little Zachy is happy. So, is he happy? It’s not like we have like a lot riding on him hanging around or anything.

THE PARISHS

SUPPORTERS: Darcy is a lovely boy and from time to time he’s really shown good application and plenty of skill. Remember his 2021? We still talk about it. Dwell on it. Perhaps too much. It’s nothing weird or anything, it’s not as if we’ve dreamt about him returning to that kind of form. We’re normal…ish. We promise.

And we have loved seeing him up and healthy again, we’re not saying we almost had given up hope and had quietly wished we’d moved him on to that Geelong school years ago when he had any trade value. It’s nice to see him showing his quality, but we would ask that he does it more often. Like, every fucking week.

I’m sure you understand.

The paranoia I’m now suffering from related to him moving to the Magpies is unsettling.

THE ROBERTS

SUPPORTERS: Boy are we happy to have your son with us. I mean, really really happy! Sometimes we think he may be the only thing giving us hope that we will one day not be an entirely garbage place to be. Not that we wish to put any undue pressure on Archie. And we know he wasn’t our first option when we brought him here, even our second. But Archie has really settled in well with the other boys, and we would love to keep him here for maybe … ever?

Yeah, we can’t quite put our finger on it but he kind of reminds us of one of our senior boys here. Have you met Merrett?

THE RIDLEYS

SUPPORTERS: Did Jordan upset anyone in the past? Oh no, nothing like that. Just … has he pissed off like a warlock or a witch, a goth ex-girlfriend or anyone keen on voodoo? Well, to be frank it’s the only conclusion we can come up with that explains why he’s always injured.

Have either of you ever broken a mirror? Kicked a black cat? Hmmm…..

THE MCGRATHS

SUPPORTERS: It’s lovely to meet you two, oh, that’s a wonderful accent. We haven’t heard Andy speak like … Andy? What’s wrong with your voice?

THE REIDS

SUPPORTERS: Does young Reid suffer from issues with his sleep? No, oh we only ask because he just looks so tired out there. It’s as if he has zero intensity for any contest he ever gets involved in. We love him dearly, but if we could maybe just sneak a Berocca or two into his Weetbix in the morning, that’d be just swell.

Oh no, the flavour you choose is irrelevant.

Is this guy suffering from chronic fatigue? Dude, pep up!

THE CADDYS

SUPPORTERS: Young Nate has immense promise. We see a bright future for your son. We only ask that someone teach him how to kick a football from the right-hand pocket! I don’t want to be crude, but some of us feel that it’s doing our fucking head in.

Thanks, I’d really appreciate it!

THE SCOTTS

SUPPORTERS: Oh, yes this isn’t usually the time where we’d bring you in to discuss your son, but, well we feel it might be nice to have a quick chat. We’ll be brief, I promise.

Ahem … why isn’t Brad good like Chris? And why isn’t he as hot? They are identical right … right?

THE CALDWELLS

SUPPORTERS: It’s fair to say young Jye isn’t performing how we would like, and certainly not nearly as well as he has previously shown. We don’t quite know what’s changed, but there is a suggestion that his favour seat in class has been taken by one of our other boys who recently came back from being away … cough Parish.

Oh, Jye still has a seat, but it just doesn’t seem to suit him as well.

I think they’re back in stock … maybe forever!

THE BLAKISTONS

SUPPORTERS: Your son seems unsettling obsessed with badges.

THE TSATAS’

SUPPORTERS: Oh it’s amazing to see how much he’s accomplished this year, no not at all, we hadn’t entirely given up on him. No, we’re not surprised at all to see him doing so well after all these years.

Just one quick question, who the fuck taught him how to kick?

THE MCKAYS

SUPPORTERS: What is wrong with your son?

No, I don’t blame you for young Ben. I mean, it’s not like you have another son at another school who has a similar reputation to Ben. It’s kind of our fault, really. We asked him to come to this school when boys like Ben were, how would you say, hard to come by.

Yes, we look forward to having him here until 2029, too. No, it’s not a problem at all that he can’t kick, can’t take a contested mark, can’t think quickly and at the same time patiently with ball in hand. No, we love that we have about as much of an idea as to where Ben’s going to kick the ball as he does. Yeah, it’s great … keeps us on our toes! Keeps us fresh!

Haha, yeah we love how he keeps the boys from other schools involved by giving the ball to them about as often as he gives it to our own boys. Yeah, it’s fun. Ben is … really fun.

B-But just one question. You haven’t heard of any other schools that would like to take on Ben for next year, have you? We could provide a generous discount on his services.

All well, I suppose that will do for tonight – it is getting late and I’m pretty sure we’ve parked in a no standing zone. Ah crap, is that a ticket? There’s still plenty more boys to discuss, and dear lord do we have more critiques to pass along, but I think we can leave them for another night.

Anyone want Maccas on the way home?

Go Planes.