A FANTASY
Life is hard right now; no one can deny it.
Prices are up. Karen and Darren are buying all your petrol. And to top it all off, Essendon is fucking shit!
It’s easy to stay negative. To believe it will never end. But it will. I mean after all, even Emperor Palpatine’s reign in Star Wars ended after roughly 23 years. And that dude was a Sith Lord! And had one of the best big-sized mids in the game. Could you imagine Cal Twomey’s rundown of Anakin Skywalker? Naturally talented, huge upset but does have some upstairs drama about his mum and this rich girl that may cause him to slaughter a bunch of kids. Went a little off track there, but the point remains.
But compared to that, winning a final and eventually a 17th flag should be easy right? We just need to find our very own red and black Obi Wan Kenobi … see where I’m going with this?
So, let’s do an exercise and look into the future.
The year is 2029, somewhere around September.
Prime minister Cody Simpson is recuperating from being hit in the gut by a XXXX can after a visit to the site of the 2032 Brisbane Olympics, now moved to a nearby Loganlea Little Athletics Track, due to budgetary reasons. Australian Football has been included in the sport catalogue, with the Aussies expecting tough competition against American Samoa and Luxembourg. The biggest film in the country is a retelling of the A Current Affairs interview with the guy who barked like a dog, ‘Footscray Exotic’ and perhaps most remarkable of all … Essendon is on the verge of winning its first final since Shannon Noll’s ‘What About Me’ was a number one hit!
But how? What could have turned the tide? And what does the list look like that’s finally ready to break the drought? Rumour has it, everything started back in 2023.
With a final run at relevance, Adrian Dodoro did the impossible – he drafted well. With our first crack the Dons nabbed Nate Caddy. No matter the doubters, this kid has everything he needs to be what we needed Joe Daniher to be. And in 2029, at the age of 24, Caddy will be one of the preeminent forwards in the league and the kind of player opponents loathe having to match-up on. With our last pick in the same year, the ever reliable and 2029 anchor of our half-back flank is Archie Roberts. He has now entrenched himself in the club’s leadership ground and commands the backline.
Back in 2024, highly touted NGA pick Isaac Kako was slow to show his skills, but after a few false starts (caused mostly by poor positioning), Kako and fellow small forward Hussein El Achkar (a 2025 academy selection) and demigod Koby Bewick run rampant at the feet of their tall comrades.
Oh how good Koby will look in red and black … I hope.
We now turn towards the back end of the field where Essendon’s 2029 defence is beginning to show signs of strength and, dare I say it, reliability.
After overcoming his countless bouts of injuries Zach Reid is picking the ball out from contests like a champion. Lewis Hayes, whose return to footy post-ACL in 2026 has been nothing but electric, is now a key factor in the Bombers bulky back men, having added layers of muscle to a once lean Dustin Fletcher-esque frame! And speaking of beefcakes … Kayle Gerreyn is now being rewarded for his patience and is reminding the legions of Michael Hurley at his spoiling, hard-nosed best!
And for some reason Cale Hooker just keeps appearing at games. And we love it!
Continuing the discussion down back, in 2029 Zach Johnson remains one of the oddest stories in draft history. As a key factor in Essendon’s revitalised rebound game style, along with lightning rod Jacob Farrow (whose never missed a game since debuting in early 2026) but still, no one can believe Johnson was taken as late as 70 in the 2024 draft class.
Towards the guts of the field, Sam Durham has now taken full control of the midfield, and the captaincy, now surrounded by a phalanx of powerful midfields. Dyson Sharp, Sullivan Robey and Jye Caldwell, who is in career best form since recovering from his wobbly early-2026 form, thanks to a stint in the Himalayas with several AFL associated shaman. Word has it they removed seventeen hexes and curses put on him by former junior boxing enemies! Nasty business. Robey, who in 2029 refuses to answer questions unless being addressed as Jedi Master, is climbing the Brownlow betting ladder as he continues to turn his career into a veritable Anthony Koutoufides 2.0 extravaganza!
I look forward to the day we see happy Duzza more often than we see sad Duzza.
But it’s in the centre circle where Essendon really turned things around, because after grabbing the wooden spoon in 2026, they took a tall prospect by the name of Harry Van Hattum (who anyone over the age of 60 simply called Vander … because you know … the 80’s). The 202cms ruck/forward hit the ground running in 2027 and immediately became the change-up ruckman Essendon had been crying out for to pair up with traditional tap man Nick Bryan.
When he’s not roving his own ball, Van Hattum is down forward clunking pack marks and kicking a bag. 2026 was a tough year, but Van Hattum certainly soothed many fans wounds in quick time.
But who is it that coach’s this 2029 side and has this team absolutely purring? Well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but his name does rhyme with Hinkmireson … ott.
The point is, things absolutely suck right now, and yes, we may not win a single game in 2026. Yup, as if the world could suck anymore. But it has to be, sadly. This club has tried the shortcuts before. Tried and failed to implement any number of styles … though I’ll be buggered if I can identify one. But this pain you feel right now will pass. But you’re not alone, because let’s never forget we are a band of Bombers.
This is a shared pain - a common pain.
Don’t worry what your mates at work say or what some hideous flog kid says to your children on the playground. Fuck em all! Because as silly as my fantasy above may be, it can happen.
Every single one of us is Princess Leia right now … HELP ME ROBEY WAN KENOBI!
Am I a fan of Brad Scott, no, I think I’ve been clear (and my unpublished blog about him says that more than anything). But I respect the guy for having the guts to hold firm to his plan. I mean all logic and common sense tells me he’s wrong, but he won’t yield, and there’s courage in that. No matter how agitated it makes me right now. And I respect the club for sticking to their guns and remaining behind him after they backed him in.
We don’t want weak administrators, and we don’t want weak leaders. We want people who believe in what they preach. That they believe the dawn is coming.
And it is. I think.
I know it’s hard to hear and I don’t want to be writing about our future success – I want to be writing about our current success. But that isn’t how the game works.
We’re in a dark spot, no doubt about it. No one hates it more than me, but we’ve started the ascent. We may not be going up by much, but the steepest part of the mountain isn’t the base.
We started a hard journey as a club in 2023.
In 2026, the journey seems harder than ever.
But in 2029, we may just start to see what that journey was all about.
Go Planes.